Let me just share with you a devotional that I wrote for our life group. This was written for our Dec. 9 meeting last year.

Then the LORD said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.” ~ Gen. 18:10

Have you faced the impossible?

Sarah and Abraham did. They were already old, well-advanced in their years. Yet God gave them a promise of a child. What would you have done if you were in their position? They had a truly natural response to it: they laughed at it. (Gen. 17:17, Gen. 18:12). We all, or at least most, would have reacted the same way.

In the first weeks of December of 2009 I was being pushed to my limit. Work hours stretched to more than two-thirds of a day. One Saturday night found me going home at 2am with the necessity of reporting back at 6am the next day. I was breaking down physically, emotionally, mentally. Sunday morning saw great friction between me and my Dutch boss. I wanted to abandon my project. I just don’t know how to work through my situation.

The Bible records of more dire situations. Moses, David, even Jesus Himself. But the Red Sea was parted, a kingdom saw its Golden Age, and salvation was brought to all of mankind.

With no reasons whatsoever conceivable to my human mind, with the project at full swing and was needing my assistance, my boss sent me home that Sunday at 2pm. Rest and rejuvenation were its welcome consequences. Reporting at 8am the next day I saw that the project was almost completely tested, and by mid-morning, plant production was reinstated.

Then the LORD said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I’m old?’ Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son.’” ~ Gen. 18:13-14.

With prayer and devotion, learn how to conquer the impossible with God.

Two weeks ago, not out of a great desire to be organized, I started a weekly to-do list. It sort of just happened. In any case, I group all the things that I need to do in the week to follow, and put the date when I should do them. Then daily I put in another list all that needs to be done on that day. It turned out to be very helpful. One of my inherent characteristics is that I take a lot of time in planning what I need to do. Other melancholies can you relate? Haha! Indeed it has helped me lessen the time that I normally take to organize my day’s activities, and a very big plus is I get to remember the things that I need to accomplish. A big yay! for to-do lists! (Though to-do lists have been around for a quite a long time now, haven’t they? Haha!)

The past days have been challenging for me. We are nearing project delivery, and we have been reporting onsite for the last month or so. And the project site is a two-hour travel from the care group place. And my home is another two-hour travel from the care group place. So that makes a four-hour travel! (Am I not great in addition? Mwahaha!) But, kidding aside, it’s no small thing. It drains me physically, especially that sometimes I need to go to our cg place more than once a week. At the same time I have to deal with the building stress with my current project, other responsibilities in church, as well as other personal things that I need to attend to (I know a lot can relate already). But of course I decide to face the challenge. It really is quite right that you can do the impossible if it is out of love =D

But I must admit that I also get tired. This last weekend was my tipping point. I got so tired last Friday night that upon coming home I opened that big bag of chips I bought a couple of days ago, and munched on them till the wee hours of the morning, just listening to music and surfing the internet for whatever captures my fancy. You know, things that I remember doing back then whenever I want to feel refreshed, instead of taking to the very thing that can give you rest, which is sleep, and of course a meaningful dose of quiet time. So I woke up Saturday morning still wanting more rest instead. Moreover, I felt bad because I feel I placed more importance on other things than the only source of true rest that there is. Thoughts started to settle down that I don’t love God that much, that I am a bad sinner and that there is no much use in trying to love God because in reality I really don’t love Him. I was downcasted. And it didn’t help that I needed to do a lot of things that Saturday that I ended up staying up late again. When I woke up Sunday morning I must admit that there were thoughts of coming to church late, because I will just miss one day at Word For Life and my ushering duties. But I still went ahead and came to church early.

The burden was still heavy coming to the start of praise and worship. I was trying to “rev up” my fellow ushers, because we looked quite gloomy while singing those joyful praise songs, but I know I myself feel weighed down. Come the worship part, I walked from our group towards our designated seats in church, so I can worship Him, well, in some way, alone. I found it hard to focus on truly meaning what I sing, because the bad thoughts keep coming back. But straining my will, I finally decided and said to myself, “I will worship You not because of who I am, but because of who You are.” And then it came…

“You are My son, and I died for you. That is the truth of who you are…”

That displaced my doubts. I found myself crying hard, realizing that God chose again to speak to me, and reminding me of that deep truth. I was so humbled, and I felt so loved and important that I can’t stop crying out of gratitude. That was a great lift. Earlier I was considering thoughts of leaving very early, but afterwards I found refreshment in my spirit. I really pray that this truth about who I am, of who we all are, will stick to my heart and mind with such clarity that it will always dispel any doubts that tell me otherwise.

God, thank You…

*checks item #6: make write-up; proceeds to #4: prepare praise and worship songs for cg*

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything in here. I have written a few things over the past two years or so, mainly for the bulletin in our care group in church (care group = small group of people who meet regularly to have bonding and other spiritually refreshing activities), but I didn’t have the chance to post them here. Most likely I will put them as back posts though.

I was moved to begin writing again firstly because our church is encouraging those who can to submit their own works in the personal section of our church bulletin. Then our cgmate Julie tremendously blessed us by revamping our cg bulletin big time. I’m inspired to contribute something. I should also mention fellow blogger Earl (his blog can be found here: Planet Earl) whom I just encountered through Friendster, who, through some exchanges, told me that if writing would leave me I would terribly miss it. And so there, an official new blog entry.

David Archuleta is singing in the background as I am writing this. I really admire this kid. I used the term kid just because of his age; he is so young. But he has accomplished a lot already. And he sings great too! I watched his performance in AOL Sessions. I was beginning to describe how I thought his performance is great, but as I realized that I am no expert, I deleted it. Let’s just leave it that I really liked it, and with my limited knowledge in music, let me just say that I didn’t hear any off-key notes, and he performed with a quality close to the recorded versions of the songs from his album. I also really like his demeanor, very humble and very wholesome.

I must admit that seeing David perform all throughout his stint in AI made me aspire again to sing well. I have been singing since I was very young, I guess around 5 or so, and I really like singing. But sad to say I guess I really don’t know how to sing. I don’t know whether I really suck at it, because I somehow believe I am able to pull off a decent performance when I am in the shower, but when I sing in front of an audience everything seems to fall apart. I remember 2 weeks ago when I was supposed to sing in a special activity in church, I was so stressed out during practice. I really can’t sing the song properly. But at home when I practice by myself I can manage. (Or so I think) Despite some people saying that I have a good voice I really couldn’t pull it off. I feel sorry for those who I practice with, because they also get tired from playing the guitar and the beat box, as well as the one who I am supposed to sing the song with. I wanted to give singing a try to see if I can also do it as a ministry. Probably because I still need to learn a great deal more about singing, our performance didn’t push through because we didn’t have enough time. I had mixed emotions towards that; relieved and a bit sad because I wanted to try this for reasons more than personal.

Which brings me to the main point of this entry. I sing, I dance, I write, I do programming, and do other stuff, but I really don’t excel in them. I am having doubts whether I am doing the right things, if I am focusing on the very thing I was purposed to do. Or have I been focusing just on the things that I like? Just as a camera won’t be of much use as a telescope (sorry, can’t think of another use of a camera near to its original use), it will be most useful for, um, taking pictures, because that is what it is made for, I am thinking that probably I will excel in the exact thing that I am supposed to do. If that ever is the case, I sure hope I find it out soon, because I am getting older.

There. My personal thoughts at the moment. Though I still hope people who will read it will still get something from it.

Glad to have come back to writing.

4:38 pm. Gate B102, Guangzhou Airport, Guangdong, China. Among other people, mostly Chinese, waiting for their flights. Listening to Brian Littrell's “Welcome Home”. Starting today until the next 34 days I will be in China, doing a project in Zhanjiang City, also in Guangdong.

I found myself reminiscing the last few days. I thought about the last two years of my life. As I remember the most important events of those two years, I now know that those two years formed the most important moments of my life to date. A lot transpired over those two years, I experienced a lot of new things, and I experienced coming to the highest and lowest points in my life. I know I am molded a lot by the deep emotional journey that I undertook.

But zooming at present, despite the richness of my experience over those two years, I somehow feel lost. I feel like I haven't gone anywhere. I feel like in some way or another, I was not able to make the most of those two years. Now I ask myself where I am headed. The days are passing by quite quickly. I am growing older, but still not having a clue as to what to precisely do with my life. I am now desperate for guidance.

Of course I am certain that whatever it is that I will do with my life, it will be done for God. Right now I must admit that I also feel lost with my walk in faith. I don't know what to exactly do next. I really don't know…

I am hoping to really find God while I am here in China. Those who can, please help pray for me.

My God and my Creator, my Father, my best friend, my everything…let me find You…

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My 15th day of fasting found me at Wendy’s… Hush now, I also believe there is something wrong with that sentence. Let me explain. I am now fasting because I am seeking God, His will, and His provision. For my fasting I only eat crackers for dinner. But depending on the situation I modify that a bit, for example, when I am obliged to eat outside, I eat fries instead. On this specific night I also decided to eat fries, because I have quite a mouth sore, and the fried potatoes prove to be less painful (you know how Skyflakes can be when chewed). That explains why fasting and Wendy’s found themselves in the same sentence.

But kidding aside, that dinner at Wendy’s gave me some time to ponder on what to write about this time. People were few, and the window view gave me a setting where I can do some thinking. Hillsong’s “Made Me Glad” came to mind:

You are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower, my very present help in times of need

That chorus alone tells us the different roles God chose to fill in in our lives. I know a lot of us can relate to how God was those and more to us at one or more points in our lives. I remember my work trip to Singapore, where I had to contend with harsh work environment, adjustments to people, and more. But He delivered me from them. Truly God’s steadfast love for us enables us to be blessed by all that He chose to do for each of us.

Life can be so hard and chaotic. Thinking about it, we humans have a lot to contend with in the course of our lives. The basic necessity to survive and secure a good future pushes us to strive hard to earn a living; the need to be loved and valued can make relationships stressfully complicated; and the uncertainty of everything throws us tremendously off-balance. I don’t know how these thoughts find their specific meaning in your lives, but on my part, sad to say, I have experienced being burdened by them.

But looking at the very nature of God made me realize this:

No matter what circumstance we are in, His love remains.

Whatever is happening in our lives we can all stand still and remember He is God, He is in control of our lives, everything will be fine in His way. It is my hope that we can all live that truth in our lives. That no matter what happens, we can stay calm, and still smile, for our Lord will never forsake us.

Let me sum this up with this verse from Isaiah (26:4):

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock Eternal.

May God’s grace, mercy, peace, joy, and love be upon us always.

When my heart was grived
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
And afterward You will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire beside You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart
And my portion forever.

Psalm 73:21-26

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:11

I feel happy and blessed because of the love God has for me. It is an unshakeable source of peace and joy in my heart. But problems do come. And as a normal human being I get affected. Sadness and feelings of hopelessness and despair do contend for some space in my heart.

Taking a break from work yesterday found me searching for information about one of my fave Christian artists Watermark. They are a husband and wife duo, Nathan and Christy Nockels. Their music was my companion when I was still a new Christian, and it still is until now, still giving me encouragement and hope through my walk with God.

At one of the sites I visited, there was an excerpt of an interview with Ms. Nockels. She said something profound about how to deal with our emotions. She said:

“I certainly have times of loneliness and sadness like anyone else, but I think I always put those feelings through the filter of my faith.”
Amen…

I believe God created feelings within us, to enable us to love and care. Of course He also knew that along that we will also feel negative emotions. Like with everything else, He gave us provision to deal with it. And like what Ms. Nockels said, we should deal with our emotions based on our faith, and the character of Christ. His love is steadfast, everlasting. That should steer our perspective towards our emotions towards the more positive.

I know I still have a long way to go. I am still easily swayed by my emotions. But in His grace and time, I pray for a more solid walk with Him.

The interview can be found here: Watermark Biography, Discography. The official site of Watermark is: ~~Watermark~~.

This afternoon I visited my college friends. I went to their apartment after Sunday service. That apartment was our home base back in our college days. It was where we would meet up almost every weekend and just stay there or go for a night out. Now most of them had already moved out, two more will be moving out this coming April, only one of the original people who stayed there will be left behind, and new people will be replacing the ones who left. Also one is getting married this coming December. Life has indeed changed for all of us. I cannot help but miss our college days, when everything was less complicated, and we have each other's company almost all of the time.

Back at home later, and still having that feeling of nostalgia in me, the big crystal glass that doesn't elicit any emotion from me (it's supposed to be just a water glass after all), made me remember the original reason why those glasses were brought. One summer a few years back our family had a knack for halo-halo, a Filipino mix of sweetened fruits with milk and ice, and we use those big glasses. I then remembered, and went back to that time, and enjoyed the feeling for a moment or so.

Of course I didn't wallow in the feeling, because I have to live in the present, and for the future. But it sure is nice to go back every now and then and feel the good times once again.

I was supposed to write something else. But I can't seem to compose it coherently. So I instead spent three hours changing the look of the blog. Quite a lot of time eh? And it seems like I didn't accomplish a lot. Let me just say that color combination is not something that I am good at. Haha! But I just wanted a personal touch to the blog. Thus this blue look. Personally I am not 100% satisfied, but this will do for the moment, until I have three more hours to tinker with everything. Haha! I hope the color scheme doesn't put too much strain on the eyes.