Two weeks ago, not out of a great desire to be organized, I started a weekly to-do list. It sort of just happened. In any case, I group all the things that I need to do in the week to follow, and put the date when I should do them. Then daily I put in another list all that needs to be done on that day. It turned out to be very helpful. One of my inherent characteristics is that I take a lot of time in planning what I need to do. Other melancholies can you relate? Haha! Indeed it has helped me lessen the time that I normally take to organize my day’s activities, and a very big plus is I get to remember the things that I need to accomplish. A big yay! for to-do lists! (Though to-do lists have been around for a quite a long time now, haven’t they? Haha!)

The past days have been challenging for me. We are nearing project delivery, and we have been reporting onsite for the last month or so. And the project site is a two-hour travel from the care group place. And my home is another two-hour travel from the care group place. So that makes a four-hour travel! (Am I not great in addition? Mwahaha!) But, kidding aside, it’s no small thing. It drains me physically, especially that sometimes I need to go to our cg place more than once a week. At the same time I have to deal with the building stress with my current project, other responsibilities in church, as well as other personal things that I need to attend to (I know a lot can relate already). But of course I decide to face the challenge. It really is quite right that you can do the impossible if it is out of love =D

But I must admit that I also get tired. This last weekend was my tipping point. I got so tired last Friday night that upon coming home I opened that big bag of chips I bought a couple of days ago, and munched on them till the wee hours of the morning, just listening to music and surfing the internet for whatever captures my fancy. You know, things that I remember doing back then whenever I want to feel refreshed, instead of taking to the very thing that can give you rest, which is sleep, and of course a meaningful dose of quiet time. So I woke up Saturday morning still wanting more rest instead. Moreover, I felt bad because I feel I placed more importance on other things than the only source of true rest that there is. Thoughts started to settle down that I don’t love God that much, that I am a bad sinner and that there is no much use in trying to love God because in reality I really don’t love Him. I was downcasted. And it didn’t help that I needed to do a lot of things that Saturday that I ended up staying up late again. When I woke up Sunday morning I must admit that there were thoughts of coming to church late, because I will just miss one day at Word For Life and my ushering duties. But I still went ahead and came to church early.

The burden was still heavy coming to the start of praise and worship. I was trying to “rev up” my fellow ushers, because we looked quite gloomy while singing those joyful praise songs, but I know I myself feel weighed down. Come the worship part, I walked from our group towards our designated seats in church, so I can worship Him, well, in some way, alone. I found it hard to focus on truly meaning what I sing, because the bad thoughts keep coming back. But straining my will, I finally decided and said to myself, “I will worship You not because of who I am, but because of who You are.” And then it came…

“You are My son, and I died for you. That is the truth of who you are…”

That displaced my doubts. I found myself crying hard, realizing that God chose again to speak to me, and reminding me of that deep truth. I was so humbled, and I felt so loved and important that I can’t stop crying out of gratitude. That was a great lift. Earlier I was considering thoughts of leaving very early, but afterwards I found refreshment in my spirit. I really pray that this truth about who I am, of who we all are, will stick to my heart and mind with such clarity that it will always dispel any doubts that tell me otherwise.

God, thank You…

*checks item #6: make write-up; proceeds to #4: prepare praise and worship songs for cg*